also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
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I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
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