Plan B is the new Plan A
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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