oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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