Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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