Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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