she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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