Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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