remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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