My first STD was from a foam party
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
