I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
