I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
