i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
