Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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