i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
