I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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