It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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