I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
