So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
where are you?
Hypothermia
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
