I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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