wakey wakey hands off snakey
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
