My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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