I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
