I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
