you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
