I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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