batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
