my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
