is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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