My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
