Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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