I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
