it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
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I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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