i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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