We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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