I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
