I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The uberlube is also flammable
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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