She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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