im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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