I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
