I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
