if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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