If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize