Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
