I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
