I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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