I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
