You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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