I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
