I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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