My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
