people are starting to question the shark bite story
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
