someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
