That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He better not be in your backpack
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
