Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
