i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize