her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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