apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
