You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
