literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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