Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
