Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
3pm strippers are depressing
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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